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Hand me something across the table…a quick “Thanks!” comes easily.

Help me carry a few things…”Thank You” is effortless.

Hold the door when my hands are full…no problem offering a fast “Thanks so much!”

So why are compliments so hard to accept?

My yoga classes this month have been focused on ahimsa. While traditionally defined as non-violence, it can be understood as kindness and compassion. 

I like turning the ahimsa questions inward:

            How can I be kinder to myself?

            What are things I love about myself?

            When am I not kind to myself?

            How can I spread that love and kindness for myself to others?

Last class I asked, “What compliments are hard for me to accept? And why?”

I always share a personal story in class to model that I do the hard work also. To show vulnerability and build trust. To create an open, welcoming, accepting space. If I’m willing to share something private and personal, hopefully others will feel more accepted and included, and maybe think about these questions.

All week I thought about the compliments that are hard for me to accept. I thought about the recent weeks at work. I thought back to my teens and 20s, reflecting on how I handled compliments all those decades ago – I struggled with all of them! I thought about feedback I receive as a teacher, in the many educational roles throughout my life – I was thrilled that the student found whatever I had done valuable for their learning journey.

I finally concluded that it’s hard for me to accept compliments when I’m part of a team. Even when I’ve led the team. Even when I was the sole architect of the entire project and brought on others to bring it to life. I always want to brush off the compliment to the team. It’s as if I’m thinking that if I accept the compliment, it takes away the gratitude and contributions of the others. As if there wasn’t enough pie to go around.

During class, I shared a situation answering my question on those compliments that are hard to accept. I talked a little bit about some work projects and how I was quick to deflect all compliments on the success and positive outcomes of this work. I admitted my reluctance to accept those compliments because I didn’t want to overshine the team, who were all deserving of praise. 

I thought I had done my due diligence and homework in this challenging space.

But that very afternoon, only hours after my class, my hard introspective work was soon tested. 

I was looking for a sub for my early Saturday morning meditative flow class in our yoga teacher chat group. A first-thing Saturday morning class – especially a slower flow with a longer savasana – typically draws less interest. When I started teaching this class a few months ago, I was getting 3 or 4 students each week. I started seeing the numbers climb little by little. I’ve been regularly getting 10-12 students each week for several weeks now. 

Because this type of class is harder to get a sub for – due to the day, time, style, and reputation for lower turnout – I emphasized the recent registration numbers to encourage someone to take it.

In under an hour, I had a taker for my substitute request.

I responded with a rapid “thank you so much!”—the kind that comes without thought.

But then this fellow instructor kept the conversation going with a compliment to me – praising me for being the reason for the increasing class numbers, for having quite a few regulars. My rapid-fire response was that it had to be the weather.

She reminded me of the major snowstorm that lasted weeks. The single-digit temperatures that lingered just as long. Weather unusual for our neck of the woods, even in winter. 

I soon realized that I was failing myself. I was failing my students. I hadn’t really done all the hard work I thought I had.

I now understood that there were other types of compliments that were hard for me as well.

My next response back to her was a thank you, with a short statement that the theme for my last class was on accepting compliments. I clearly needed to reflect more about this. I needed to be more aware of when I was getting compliments, also. It took me a moment to realize her words were truly a compliment. 

It wasn’t my listening that failed – it was my comprehension. My response wasn’t “I don’t deserve this.” My reaction was, “that can’t be what she means.” It was hard for me to comprehend that someone would be complimenting me as a yoga teacher. 

After teaching my second yoga class of the day, I met the teacher who I’d be subbing for the following week.

We exchanged pleasantries about the weather, the class I’d just taught, and I queried her about the class she was about to teach since I’d be teaching that very class next Saturday. After her short description and thanking me again for subbing for her, she then said that after I’d offered to sub for her, she had read my bio on the studio’s website. She expressed how impressed she was by all I had done, my volunteering, and the medical challenges I’d overcome.

I opened my mouth, ready to diminish not only myself, but her words – words she had taken time to formulate and offer. I was prepared to punch away her compliment and undermine her in the same breath.

I closed my mouth without saying anything at first. I grinned and nodded. 

I also told her about the question I had posed to my class. 

I humbly admitted that I still needed to do the hard work I was teaching. 

I quietly smiled and thanked her for her kind words.

She replied, “This is a great question. What a good thing to think about.”

I found myself nodding, smiling, and saying thank you once again. 

Accepting a compliment – and simply saying thank you – doesn’t take away from others. It builds kindness in all of us.